The Butcher’s Masquerade

"You teleported to a stairwell station within the first thirty hours of the floor being open. What, you’re running away early? I hope for your sake you don’t actually go down the stairs. You know it doesn’t get easier."

"You used an artifact of Divine Suffering for the first time. Hopefully there aren’t any unintended and unadvertised side effects of using such a powerful and evil magical item."

"You have permanently killed a non-crawler biological. They ain’t just dead. They dead dead. Their children are now orphans. Their mothers are gnashing their teeth and cursing your name. And you’re just sitting there all alive and shit, and girlfriend, I am all in. We all know you should have received this achievement, uh, a little earlier, but I figured it’d be in your best interest not to reward you this one just yet. But you sure deserved it, so I may have slipped an extra one in there. Shhh. Don’t tell the mudskippers."

"You left an explosive device along a well-traveled path, and it detonated and killed an intended target. It was really cool. Too bad you didn’t get to see it because you’re a trap-leaving bitch!"

"You beat a quest before I could even give it to you! Anticipating what’s going to happen is one thing, but this is just ridiculous. It’s like arriving in your pants before your date can even untie their shoelaces. Pathetic."

"You caused a Rooted-in-Place boss monster to move. That’s no easy feat. You then killed that monster. Pretty impressive. Hope you remember how you did it."

"You teleported into a solid object. Congratulations. You’ve lost your... Oh, wait! You were teleported due to an administrative action. That means your privileged ass was saved. Again. No missing arm or leg. No dungeon-style circumcision. Nothing. Boy, you must really bring in the cheddar for them to keep coddling you like this. Teleport mishaps are funny as shit. You ever see The Fly? Anyway, you don’t have to worry about it. This time."

"You have found a desecrated temple! That means all the temple’s attendants have been murdered. The temple’s treasury has been looted. The sacred wine has probably been all lapped up, too. And this used to be a nice town. It hasn’t been the same since you guys moved in. If you are an adherent of this temple, you may no longer worship here. You’ve also probably just received a quest to hunt down and kill the heathen who did this. If you don’t worship this god, just scram. Remember that time you walked in on mommy and daddy playing leapfrog? It’s just like that. Back away. Don’t touch anything. Never talk about it again."

"You’ve defiled a temple’s sacred shrine by breaking it with your own flesh! Wow. I dunno, man. That’s pretty ballsy. In case you didn’t know, the shrine of a temple is pretty much indestructible. When a temple is desecrated, the shrine’s protection fades over several hours. Eventually, it’s able to be destroyed, but only with a direct attack. You’re supposed to find desecrated temples and destroy the shrines. But you can’t just do it willy-nilly when you’re not a member of that congregation. Gods don’t like it when some punk walks into their house and kicks them when they’re already down."

"You took an arrow, and you physically stabbed someone with it. That’s something a kid who eats glue would do. You know I’m pretty sure you have a bow in your inventory."

"You infected another combatant with a venereal disease. Good job there, Derek Jeter. I hope you bought them dinner first."

"You deployed a bomb with the supple, curved sole of your foot. You took your perfectly-perfect, 30.004861 centimeter-long right foot and compressed it against an explosive device—a device named after me no less—and you gave it a naughty little shove before you pushed it out the door and detonated it. You killed them. You killed them all for your daddy."

"Your base strength is now over 100. Rawr! Get thee to Chippendales!"

"You’ve used siege equipment to zero in and attack a boss monster from afar. That’s cheating! It’s like trying to kill someone with a bomb. What a bitch move!"

"A nipple ring? Really? The next thing you know, you’ll be waxing your perineum and attending those parties where you have to put your keys in a bowl. You’ll have to grow out your sideburns, buy a Trans Am, and you’ll no longer be able to make eye contact with your child’s orthodontist."